Dirt and disorder make me anxious, but so does cleaning

First of all, I am going to say that this blog has no point. You don't know who I am. What I do isn't important, because my job is boring.

Like most people, I have a dream. I'm not going to tell you what it is, though. Not yet, anyway. Suffice it to say that I am trying hard to change some things about myself, and my life, and sometimes, shit gets real.

Right now I am stuck in a mode where I believe that I must highly organize my life before I can possibly concentrate on working towards my goals. I am a generally disorganized person... sort of. I am manic depressive when it comes to cleaning and organization. I can be highly organized, especially at work, but at home I tend to ignore things in favor of surfing the internet.

I have decided that I must get my life, my finances, my living space and everything else IN ORDER. So that the crap cluttering up my house stops cluttering up my mind.

I have been trying to clean and organize for the last three hours and I am freaking out. Even thought it's 11 pm on Sunday, I might have to just say Fuck It and go out for a drink to calm down.

I managed to clean out an entire file cabinet (because it's broken) and sift through about six years of papers of varying importance, and condensed it all into two very cute little fileboxes I got at Target today. I filled a large box with stuff that needs to be shredded.

You'd think this would make me feel like I accomplished something. But no, it just made me feel more crazy. Because as I'm doing it, I am despairing over how I cannot keep organized on a day to day basis. "Getting organized" once every half a decade just doesn't cut it. I am constantly losing important things and stressing over them. Going through all this crap made me see how I do not have many important documents, like several years worth of tax returns. (There is a black hole in my file cabinet, I believe.)

Cleaning just icks me out, too. When you get on your hands and knees to clean the crevices of the bathroom, and you see JUST HOW DIRTY it actually is... that depressed me and stresses me out big time.

Dirt is icky. That is why I avoid cleaning.

I am freaking myself out right now just thinking about it. I need to go get that drink now.