Please fire me

(insert Donald Trump picture here)

I just don't want to go to my work anymore. I'm sure everyone can empathize with this feeling. My job has been stressful since day one, but it's just getting really old. I've been there for four years and every day I wonder, "How did I end up here?" I was an excellent student, very motivated, a good girl. How I ended up in a dead end office job, I am not exactly sure.

Things are coming to a head. It's like a relationship that you know has gone bad but you haven't had the balls to break up yet. It's comfortable and familiar, and you weigh your current situation against the unknown and think, maybe I'll stay with the devil I know for a while longer.

Except that every day I have a mini-freak out where I think, "There is more to life than this. I am getting older. It's NOW OR NEVER. Get your ass in gear."

I am also sick of lying to myself and others. When I mean lying, I mean when you see a family member for the first time in a while and they ask, "How are things? What's new?" And you answer, "I'm good. Not much is new." When I really want to answer, "What's new is that, thanks to my largely customer-service-oriented job, I have developed an even deeper hatred for humanity than I ever thought possible. I am strongly considering running away to be homeless, or committing suicide in a really dramatic fashion." I don't want to live my life like a lie anymore. Like "everything is OK" when it's not. I want to fucking bash open the figurative head of my existence-prison.

I'm sick of it. I want to be honest. So I'll be honest. I am pretty well convinced that my first "dream" will not come true. So I'm moving on to Dream #2, which is to be a writer. Unlike Dream #1, it does not require a support system or loads of money to be successful. Just work. Blogging/journaling helps me get some juices flowing. I get my fingers warmed up on my super old-school beige IBM clicky keyboard, and get used to pumping out some writing. Not that it's good, but who is nowadays? I am basing all of my hopes of becoming a successful writer solely on how bad the Twilight books are. (Sorry, fans. But it seems that nowadays whenever the writing is terrible, the publisher just says, "It's not crappy writing, it's just that it's geared towards Young Adults.")

I have never really tried very hard at anything in my life. Most things came pretty easily to me, except social situations. I did try very hard at one thing in life, and although I was told I was good at it and talented, the advice I got from EVERYONE was that "you can't do that for a living" and offered no help or guidance to seventeen-year-old-me.

Well, let me tell you, I would rather be plugging away at something I love for shit money instead of what I do now, which is plugging away at a soul-sucking job for shit money.

Enough is enough. I need to break free of this.

One issue: I can't just quit my job to pursue what I love. I am really dependent on that income. So I have to pursue what I love *in my spare time.* I'll have to suck it up and commit to working another eight hours AFTER I've gotten home from the first eight hour shift. Yeah, I've got it tough, don't I? I am sure millions of people in a third world country are saying "you fucking spoiled American, I would kill to be in your shoes. In fact, I am willing to kill you FOR your shoes, if I got half the chance."

Sorry, third-world folks. I will try not to whine as much. I'll shut up and try to make the most of my many opportunities now.

Off to work.