I gave notice at my job to go back to school.
I gave a three week notice. I have two more days left.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm just stressed. My plan for this week has been to try to keep my head low and not get involved in any messy conflicts. This has not worked well. I'm involved in many messy conflicts between customers and the family members who own the company.
It has become exceedingly clear that everyone above us has NO idea what we do, what we have to suffer through, or how we handle our aspect of their business. It has become exceedingly clear that they do not value our opinion, or think very highly of us in general.
And I should be thinking, "Who cares, I'm leaving, this won't be my problem anymore". Yet, somehow I don't feel that way.
I feel ANGRY.
I'm supposed to go out for drinks with the gang + bosses after I leave work for the last time on Friday. I don't really want to. What will I say?
If I were honest, I would say the following:
- It offends me that no one respects what we do here.
- You often cite the need for "communication", but you don't communicate anything to us, and we're the ones that need to know, since we're the liason between you and the customer. The customers expect us to know what's going on, and we're kept in the dark.
- It offends me that you never asked my opinion on anything.
- It offends me that when I take initiative to solve a pressing problem everyone else has simply ignored, you act like I'm overstepping my bounds.
- This has been the most stressful four years of my life. I have stress-related health problems I didn't have before.
- It deeply offends me that you act as though any dumbass could do this job well.
- You have no idea what my day to day struggle here entails. It's a lot harder than you perceive it to be.
- This job made me so depressed about life that at times I felt suicidal.
- I hate this job so much that I hope and pray I never have to do anything like this ever again.
- This job has made me hate people even more than I already did. That's quite a feat.
- You should tell new hires that they had better be good liars, since we have to lie through our teeth to the customers all day, every day.
- You like to think you're good to your employees, but in many ways you treat us unfairly.
- You make my job so much harder than it needs to be.
- You constantly throw us under the bus.
- There is zero upward mobility here, so I'm getting out while I still can, to seek a better life.
But. I don't want to leave on a bad note. So I will say none of that. I already feel like I wasted 4 years of my life there. I don't want to burn the bridge.
Instead, I will smile and drink heavily and try to be merry and polite.
What is bothering me right now is that I wasted four good years of my life in that place, wasted tears and brain energy, stressed out of my mind, and I won't get any CLOSURE. I won't get closure because I won't be able to tell anyone what I really think. I'll just have to smile and nod and say "BYEEEE", and I'll probably have to HUG everyone. *shudders*
There is also the pressure of re-inventing myself once I leave. For the last several years I have been blaming all of my personal flaws on my job.
Feeling depressed/anxious? It's because I'm overworked and underpaid/undervalued.
Social phobia? All of the horrible customers at my job make me leery of people in general.
Unproductive? I'm too tired and wiped out, physically and mentally, after a day on the job.
Stagnating? It's because I'm trapped in this underpaid job.
Low self-esteem? I'm just an office worker, why should I feel proud of myself?
Hating the world? It's my horrible job. The horrible lowlife customers. If I did something more meaningful, I would have greater self-worth.
Alcohol abuse? It's because I'm so stressed after work, I need something to wind down.
Fat/unfit? It's because I'm forced to sit 8 hours a day. Also my coworkers pressure me into ordering takeout with them for lunch. Yeah, that's it.
I've convinced myself over the years that all of my problems are work-related, and if I could only escape that place, I would be productive and fit and feel great about myself and the world. I would be able to stop drinking completely, and I would just enjoy being alive.
Of course, now that the deadline is looming... will I really be able to start to blossom into a different, better person two days from now?
I'm trying to be more optimistic, so..... I will answer YES. Yes, life will be better after I leave this job. Serenity now.
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